You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
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Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I am patiently waiting for your email
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
felt that
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.