It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
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LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
👾👾👾
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever