boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
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Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.