Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
You Might Also Like
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Oops
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.