If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
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there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
My beach vacation Google searches
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.