Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
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Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 馃ぃ
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 馃槂
“it’s $9”
馃槱
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
馃槂
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Them: There鈥檚 more to you than meets the eye, isn鈥檛 there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
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