Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
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me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Me recordaron éste meme
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
We’ve all been there…
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass