[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
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cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.