early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
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ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
What
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.