Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
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Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Shortcut
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME