Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
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Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.