“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
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wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
found my next D&D character name
Kids, do not try this at home!
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge