5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
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Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.