I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
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I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.