I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
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If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Sooo many times…..
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.