34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
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[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10