when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
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HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.