Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
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I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.