Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
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I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping