Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
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My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I just tested negative for patience.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*