How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
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Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people