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If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Ironic
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
This did not end as expected.
The Book. The Movie.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Cashiers are always checking me out
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?