Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
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If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I am HOWLING at this
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey