“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
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Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…