{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
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Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles