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girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters