If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
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SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.