In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
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Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
looks legit
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳