Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
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sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.