Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
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My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?