[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
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Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Still cracks me up
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no