Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
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I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
how to have fun when you’re poor
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?