I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
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Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”