learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
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Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever