Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
You Might Also Like
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
The internet is full of many things
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.