People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
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Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
What do you hear?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
The Birdles
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.