cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
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TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van