Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
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[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.