I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
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Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.