My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
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Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I’ve had relationships like this
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
me