[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
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Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.