“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
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When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something