i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
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Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
A classic…
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa