i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
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My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter: