The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
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Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[loses house key, starts a new life]
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
ACED my prostate exam!
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”