Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
What number SPF blocks people?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours