ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
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#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
You can’t rush stupid.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors