YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
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pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I identify as an antique shop.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
OH. COME. ON.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.