Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
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Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
You have been warned.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew