Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
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who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Google Pay be like:
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
“our sushi is very fresh”